Hope, heartache, and everything in between

It has been 2 years, 3 months and 15 days since we lost baby number 2. We were told to wait 3 months before trying again.  We did. Then we waited 6 more months until we had better insurance.  Now that we are consciously trying it has become frustrating and heartbreaking. We've tried ovulation tests for months in a row.  So many that I know when I am ovulating without using one. We got pregnant so quickly and easily with the first 2.  I have a tilted cervix and I know it can be hard to get pregnant because of it.  My body is very regular, almost to the day.  I have spent a lot of time praying and asking for help and understanding.  Every month I have hope.  So much hope. Then the hope ends and the sadness and depression comes. "Maybe next month," I think, I hope.  I have told myself so many times that I'm done trying.  Maybe if I'm done trying it will happen.  But I'm never REALLY done trying. Because in the back of my mind, I still want another baby, and I still am tracking my cycle. 

Hayden asks me about once a week when we are going to have a baby, or if I am pregnant yet.  I so badly want that answer to be soon!  This is what I am supposed to do in life.  To bring children into the world. To multiply and replenish the earth.  So why can't I?  I haven't been to my doctor yet because every month I think "It will happen this month so I don't need to."  But every month it doesn't happen. Every month I wish my cramps were contractions, because I would be suffering with a purpose, and we would have a baby after the suffering was over. 

I have a little glimpse into what other moms, who can't conceive, are going through.  It isn't at all the same, because I have Hayden, and because, for me, it has been just a short while compared. But I have known loss and heartache just the same.  Wanting a baby, whether for 10 years or 2, is still wanting.  And losing a baby, at any point, is still loss.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to express my feelings because I didn't lose a baby that I was able to hold, I lost a baby that I never saw.  It was gone before any ultrasound machine was able to look. But that was still my baby. And I still suffered.  I STILL suffer.  Our baby would have been 21 months old this week.  I like to think he or she is in God's loving arms. Waiting with and caring for my future baby(s). 

One day I hope to be able to read this and be happy, because the waiting is over.  But then the worry begins. The worry of losing another baby. 

We are an eternal family. And that baby is our baby forever. Even though he or she isn't here for us to hold, hug and kiss, that will be our baby after this life.  And that gives me hope, and joy, and peace. 

Utah!!

My niece was born in January and I had planned on going to Utah for the blessing in April.  But when we found out we had to pay taxes I thought for sure the trip was off.  Well for our Anniversary Paul surprised me and said that we would be able to go!  I was so excited!  His parents happened to be in Flagstaff for the week for work so we stayed the first night in Flagstaff.  We left Thatcher around 7 and got to Flag around noon. We were able to drive up to Walnut Canyon and see some Indian cliff dwellings. 

It was only a mile hike but it was down and back up a whole lot of stairs.  Hayden was very chipper the entire time and was a champ!  Paul and I were sore for days after!




Meteor Crater was pretty close by as well so we decided to head on over to that.  Just a warning.... it cost $16 a person now.  We didn't at all think it was worth the cost but I've never been so we thought it would be okay.  

Genuine, real, petrified.... dinosaur poop. FOR SALE. Yep... you read that right.  Nasty.

The route 89 had fallen off the mountain, so we took route 89 alternate and it had some beautiful views!

Vermillion Cliffs

When we got up into the mountains we discovered the North Rim to the Grand Canyon is closed until May 1st so we just kept on going, but we did see some deer right next to the road.

We stopped for a bit a few times to play in the snow

AHHHHH..... we made it!!  I completely surprised my sister.  I called her from the hotel and just to chat and feel out if she was home or not and then we headed over there and just rang the bell!  The look on her face was priceless when I walked through the door!  So worth keeping it a secret that we were coming!

Hayden and Rebecca played together really well!

And Nora is such a doll!!!  I couldn't get enough of her!

Monday we woke up to some snow.  The view out of our hotel room was really pretty!

We took a little drive up Provo Canyon

The drive home was beautiful!!  It snowed for the first 3 hours and got down to 22 degrees at one point.

 Then after all this beautiful-ness, we got onto the reservation and it was sooooooooo dusty!  The wind blew and blew and the dust was so bad that we couldn't see the car in front of us a few times!  I pulled over at one point so Paul could drive and we both were still finding sand on us when we got home! It was bad!  Makes for a good story though.  We stopped in Taylor to eat at Trapper's and then we went and visited Paul's Grandma's grave. We were very happy to be home.  It was such a fun visit!

Land of the free, home of the Clites

This land is my land, this land is Paul's land
From the white pole to the BLM land
From the neighbors, to the Wash's waters
This land was made for Paul and ME!


That's right.... We bought us some LAND BABY!  Some precious dirt and its all ours!  All those pokey cati and stickery bushes.  Yep, that is our land. Every last inch of it.

We bought some land off of Cottonwood wash.  10 acres to be exact.  We are so excited!!  When will we be moving you ask?  WELLLLLLLLLL that's hard to say.  We need to ask a few questions and figure out costs of things to see if utility costs and such could be added to a home loan.  If not, then it'll be a while until we could get money saved up for that.  But we found a floor plan that we like and we can't wait to finally be in our own home!

Now what to do with all the rest of the acreage?  Sheep?  Cattle?  Horses?  OH the possibilities are endless.  But I'm pretty sure a 4 wheeler will have to happen.  Look out PIMA cause in an undetermined amount of time, WE'LL BE COMING! HA!

The day Paul stabbed me

Today Paul stabbed me. It wasn't on purpose of course but it was kind of funny.  Today Paul decided to help out with the cleaning.  And he decided to do the dishes of all things.  Which I thought was odd because it is the one thing he HATES to do more than anything.  I was clearing off the counters and loading a few things into the open dishwasher.  As I reached over to put a cutting board in, my hand, right in between my index and middle finger got a little slice.  I quickly said "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"  Then noticed that Paul had loaded the very large and very sharp knives into the silverware holder BLADE SIDE UP!  Who does that!?!?!   I asked him why he loaded them into the dishwasher in such an unsafe manner and he said "because they will get cleaner that way."    uh huh..... sure they will. So Paul didn't directly stab me, and it was more like a paper cut (or the cut you get when the scissors go a little too far when cutting someones hair), BUT his strange thinking sure did get my poor, little hand sliced up.  But I can't help but laugh that he would load such a sharp knife into the dishwasher pointy side up. Silly boy.   But I am very grateful that he used part of his day off to help me with the cleaning :)

Wonderful News!!

Paul talked to human resources today and found out that our insurance will start the second week of November. They also said that pregnancy is not a pre-existing condition so we could have been pregnant before coverage started and the baby would have been covered. It sucks to hear we could have been trying in May, but its good that we waited until we knew for sure rather than have to pay out of pocket for a baby.   Oh well.  But at least we know that we can start trying and I'm SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  hopefully by the end of the year we will  be pregnant!! :)  

FED UP!

The day after we bought our Sentra, I called the dealership to cancel the warranty that was $2000 and clearly a waste of money. (we were tired by then and were not thinking clearly) The guy told me he would take care of it.  Now, a month later I'm trying to get our financing moved over to the credit union and I called the dealership to make sure the warranty was cancelled.  WELL..... it sure wasn't. AND the man who did our financing no loner works there, so I have to explain everything to this new guy.  And what does he do? he tried to convince me to reconsider.  For like 10 minutes!  he offered to up the coverage to 4 years.  I called Paul and he said to just cancel it.  After trying to call him back 4 times, I spoke with someone else in financing and he offered to take a message, after I told him that I call all the time (for a different stupid problem) and no one returns my calls and I will try back, I ended up hanging up on him, almost in tears. I feel bad now because I had never even talked to that man.   oops.  I  gave up for the day, completely frustrated.  Paul told me he would take care of it on Saturday.  So today I ended up calling them back today and I spoke with Brad again, the one who tried to talk me out of cancelling, and this time I gave him a piece of my mind.  I told him I needed to cancel it and get a full refund (since I oriinally called the day after I purchased the car) and after him trying to up the coverage again to 60 months, he finally told me that I needed to come in and fill out a form.  ARE YOU KIDDING!?!?!!  And yes I really said that.  I live 4 hours from you.  (I would  have went in a long time ago if I lived closer) and his response was I will TRY to get someone to mail it on Monday.  I said, you will TRY?!?!  NO, the last time someone said they would mail something on Monday was a month ao and it STILL isn't here.  So I plan to head to Queen Creek for haydens birthday in 2 weeks.  If I don't have that stupid form by then, they will be very, VERY sorry.  


Different stupid problem... when we got the car the salesman told us he owed us floor mats, a key FOB battery, another key, and a check for gas. he said he would mail it Monday.  It has been over a month and it still isn't here. I called about 2 weeks ago and he said it mailed 2 days prior. well, where the bleep is it?!?!  It doesn't take 2 weeks to mail something  200 miles.  So you can see why I'm a little upset.  All of this on top of me calling and leaving multiple messages with several people over the entire month.   I'm so completely frustrated. And in my gut I just know that its going to take me walking in there to get anything done.  Maybe Monday Ill be taking a road trip.

Moral of the story.  NEVER buy a car from out of town. NEVER.

Labor Day

We were finally able to make it up to Columbine.  Last year Paul had just started his new job as a nurse and couldn't ask for days off.  In July Paul was sick so we didn't go up that weekend.  It was such a nice break from the heat!  So many people went up this year and it made it fun to have so many kids for Hayden to play with.  

Some of the men made a swing for the kids to play on.  It started as a hammock and rope but later turned into a board and rope.  The kids had a blast on it!

...And so did Paul.  :)

All the kids constantly had a dirty face. Either from wiping noses or crying and wiping their tears with their dirty hands.  

There were 5 or so kids that were all 3, 4 of which were blonde boys.  

We went on a little drive down the road to the raspberry patches.  Some of us climbed the hills and picked a bunch of them.  I played it safe and stayed on the road.

Here's Paul up on the hill, his cup was full by the time he came down.

I mean, JUMPED down.  

 Hayden had a car and decided that driving it in the back of the truck was more fun that the raspberries. 

We ended up only staying Saturday night, because Paul had allergies or a cold and didn't sleep well. But it was well worth the trip up. We had a blast!!  Can't wait for Fall to finally arrive!