Hope, heartache, and everything in between

It has been 2 years, 3 months and 15 days since we lost baby number 2. We were told to wait 3 months before trying again.  We did. Then we waited 6 more months until we had better insurance.  Now that we are consciously trying it has become frustrating and heartbreaking. We've tried ovulation tests for months in a row.  So many that I know when I am ovulating without using one. We got pregnant so quickly and easily with the first 2.  I have a tilted cervix and I know it can be hard to get pregnant because of it.  My body is very regular, almost to the day.  I have spent a lot of time praying and asking for help and understanding.  Every month I have hope.  So much hope. Then the hope ends and the sadness and depression comes. "Maybe next month," I think, I hope.  I have told myself so many times that I'm done trying.  Maybe if I'm done trying it will happen.  But I'm never REALLY done trying. Because in the back of my mind, I still want another baby, and I still am tracking my cycle. 

Hayden asks me about once a week when we are going to have a baby, or if I am pregnant yet.  I so badly want that answer to be soon!  This is what I am supposed to do in life.  To bring children into the world. To multiply and replenish the earth.  So why can't I?  I haven't been to my doctor yet because every month I think "It will happen this month so I don't need to."  But every month it doesn't happen. Every month I wish my cramps were contractions, because I would be suffering with a purpose, and we would have a baby after the suffering was over. 

I have a little glimpse into what other moms, who can't conceive, are going through.  It isn't at all the same, because I have Hayden, and because, for me, it has been just a short while compared. But I have known loss and heartache just the same.  Wanting a baby, whether for 10 years or 2, is still wanting.  And losing a baby, at any point, is still loss.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to express my feelings because I didn't lose a baby that I was able to hold, I lost a baby that I never saw.  It was gone before any ultrasound machine was able to look. But that was still my baby. And I still suffered.  I STILL suffer.  Our baby would have been 21 months old this week.  I like to think he or she is in God's loving arms. Waiting with and caring for my future baby(s). 

One day I hope to be able to read this and be happy, because the waiting is over.  But then the worry begins. The worry of losing another baby. 

We are an eternal family. And that baby is our baby forever. Even though he or she isn't here for us to hold, hug and kiss, that will be our baby after this life.  And that gives me hope, and joy, and peace.