January 2019

Well it’s a new year and a lot has happened. We moved back to Thatcher a year ago this month. We lived in a tiny apartment for 6 months and bought a home in August. Paul worked for a construction company from February to August and gained some valuable experience. His cousin that works for an HVAC company called him out of the blue and said they had a position open and Paul’s name came to mind. So the week after we moved, Paul started a new job. He gained plumbing experience at the previous job and was able to go into the new job as a second plumber guy. Because of that he is getting extra jobs and hours that help us provide for ourselves. We are saving up to do some work on our home. We would like to redo/add drywall throughout. Since we have a brick exterior, this would also help with insulation. We want to add a shed and redo the kitchen to make it flow better and more open. We would like to add a bathroom and move the water heater and furnace and use that space for more closet space. We want to redo the duct work so that each room has better air flow. Big dreams, low funds. Haha! We’d love to add a wood burning stove too but with only 1100 square feet it might not happen. We’ve always wanted one.

This week has been a whirlwind. We found out the week before Christmas that we were expecting baby #3. We announced to our families on Christmas Day and then on Paul’s birthday I started bleeding. The next day the bleeding increased and confirmed to me that this pregnancy was over. That day was emotionally hard. The next day was physically hard. Lots of cramps and bleeding. Today has been better. Still hard but I feel like I can function pretty normally. I’ve had a friend bring food and my mom brought a bunch of food this morning even though we had a few inches of snow on the ground. My step dad even called to check on me. I was at their house during the last miscarriage and he saw how much pain I was in. He was extremely helpful last time with my pain management so this time he wanted to make sure I was ok. This time has been more bearable. Last time I went into full on labor and had very painful contractions. This time has been more of just heavy cramps. What a difference a few weeks makes. Last time I was at 11 weeks, this time 6 weeks. Paul was able to take New Years Eve off to be with me. Then he had New Year’s Day off too. This morning he started late due to the snow. He’s been amazing too! He’s been so helpful with getting me medication or starting the shower. He’s taken care of the kids and has picked up food for us. I don’t think I would have been as okay as I am if he hadn’t been here. He works for a great company that is very understanding. I hope 2019 goes uphill from here. It was kind of a bad end to 2018 and a bad start to 2019. But I have an amazing husband and two wonderful boys who have been so helpful and kind. I’m extremely blessed to be surrounded by loving friends and family too.

Here we go again

Today is bittersweet. Paul lost his job before Thanksgiving. We decided to put our house on the market and move back to The Gila Valley. After a week and a half, many showings and  3 offers, we accepted an offer this morning. This was the first home we’ve purchased. We were planning to stay a while. I finally made some friends. I was finally starting to like it here. Hayden was doing well in school. He has a great teacher that understands his ADD issues. He got into the gifted program. Tyler just started speech therapy.

 I’m trying to stay positive about this whole situation, but there are days that I just need to cry. I just need to feel sorry for myself for a little while. Why is it that every time I feel like “yes, we made it, we’re happy, we found a good situation, let’s stay a while” ... it all comes crashing down? We tried to buy two homes in the GV and when neither of them worked out, I knew we were supposed to leave. I knew that PV was where we were supposed to be. I thought, “ yes! Finally, a new start. We can settle down and make new friends and just start over.” But no. This has to come crashing down too.

I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know where to go from here. I Guess we need to throw up our hands and leave it up to God. Because I certainly don’t have a clue what comes next.

Lessons slowly learned

Tonight was rough with Hayden. He has trouble staying on task with most things he does. He also has a hard time obeying. I know that the latter is my fault. I give him too many chances and don't follow through with consequences when he doesn't obey. I've also made him lazy. When he was younger I would do everything for him. Everything from getting dressed to cleaning up after him. I'm a control freak and feel that what is the point of him doing it when I can do it faster and better. Well the point is, what is he learning by me doing it for him? He learns to be lazy. He learns that if he just doesn't do it, mom will.

I need to stop. Stop letting him get away with being lazy. Stop doing things for him. Give him chores. Make him work. Give consequences when he doesn't do it or when he's disrespectful. And follow through. Don't cave. It's hard. You don't want to see your kids sad or mad. But I think what's worse than seeing your kid sad is seeing your kid lazy, disrespectful, and entitled. So far my kid has been lazy, disrespectful and entitled. I need to change it. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. He's almost 9. He can do things for himself.

He can do this! And so can I! I hope.....

Changes

Ever since we left Pima I've felt like we were in limbo. Not knowing what the future held for us. Not knowing if we would stay in the Phoenix area or somewhere else in Arizona, or even another state. For 6 months we job hunted, praying that something would work out. That Heavenly Father would send us where we need to be. We've tried to be patient. That didn't always work out so well for me. I got overwhelmed a lot. But Paul and I reconnected with each other and our Heavenly Father and the Gospel. We connected with our kids. 

Tyler loves mama but he is definitely a daddy's boy! I feel like we've all grown so much these past few months, especially the kids. When we came to QC, Tyler was a lump on the floor. He soon started sitting up, crawling, cruising furniture, walking, and running. And he isn't even 1 yet. He also has 4 teeth with 2 more within a few days from popping out.

Hayden has had 3 different teachers this school year. When we got here we put him in the Charter school, and even though he understood the material, he didn't have the self discipline to do it. So we moved him to the public school over Christmas break. He still struggled for a few months but by the end he was doing well. He is reading like a champ and he is very smart and silly. He loves to talk to anyone who will listen. He especially loves playing with Tyler, and only he can make him laugh really hard!

When we were living in the GV we tried to buy a house 2 separate times and for one reason or another it ended up not working out for us. Deep down I knew it was because we needed a change, but I wasn't ready to accept it. Then when Paul lost his job, we were forced to have a change. We are so grateful for all the love and support we've had and felt through this. We knew this location was temporary, but we hoped it could become permanent. We have fallen in love with the area, the ward and have treasured the new friends! 

Our prayers and patience were answered this month as Paul interviewed for and accepted a job. After he accepted he started orientation pretty quickly after while I searched for somewhere to live. We initially thought he would have 2 weeks off between orientation and his first shift, but soon learned he starts this weekend. We prayed all week that things would fall into place with a place to live. I hunted online and was calling people all day, everyday. We drove around looking for rent signs, making appointments with apartment complexes, and checking Zillow and Craigslist daily. Finally on Wednesday I happened to check Craigslist again and saw a house for rent that had been posted just hours before. So I contacted the person and saw the house the next day. While it was at the top of our price range, the neighborhood is beautiful and it's one more bedroom than we hoped to get. We had put in an application for a 2 bed 1 bath and they said it would be 48 hours and they would get back to me, well that came and went so we went ahead and signed the lease on the 3 bedroom house and were able to get keys before we came back to QC. The other place wasn't available until mid July anyway and this house was ready now! So instead of having to get a hotel 3 times a week for a month and a half, Paul can move some stuff down tomorrow. 

We feel so blessed in all of this. I know this is where we are supposed to be. We have definitely felt Heavenly Father's hand in this! 

So here is to our next chapter. May it bring us joy. May it bring us closer. And may it help me go out of my comfort zone and make some friends!! 

Opened my fortune cookie minutes after posting this! How funny!!!

Hope, heartache, and everything in between

It has been 2 years, 3 months and 15 days since we lost baby number 2. We were told to wait 3 months before trying again.  We did. Then we waited 6 more months until we had better insurance.  Now that we are consciously trying it has become frustrating and heartbreaking. We've tried ovulation tests for months in a row.  So many that I know when I am ovulating without using one. We got pregnant so quickly and easily with the first 2.  I have a tilted cervix and I know it can be hard to get pregnant because of it.  My body is very regular, almost to the day.  I have spent a lot of time praying and asking for help and understanding.  Every month I have hope.  So much hope. Then the hope ends and the sadness and depression comes. "Maybe next month," I think, I hope.  I have told myself so many times that I'm done trying.  Maybe if I'm done trying it will happen.  But I'm never REALLY done trying. Because in the back of my mind, I still want another baby, and I still am tracking my cycle. 

Hayden asks me about once a week when we are going to have a baby, or if I am pregnant yet.  I so badly want that answer to be soon!  This is what I am supposed to do in life.  To bring children into the world. To multiply and replenish the earth.  So why can't I?  I haven't been to my doctor yet because every month I think "It will happen this month so I don't need to."  But every month it doesn't happen. Every month I wish my cramps were contractions, because I would be suffering with a purpose, and we would have a baby after the suffering was over. 

I have a little glimpse into what other moms, who can't conceive, are going through.  It isn't at all the same, because I have Hayden, and because, for me, it has been just a short while compared. But I have known loss and heartache just the same.  Wanting a baby, whether for 10 years or 2, is still wanting.  And losing a baby, at any point, is still loss.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to express my feelings because I didn't lose a baby that I was able to hold, I lost a baby that I never saw.  It was gone before any ultrasound machine was able to look. But that was still my baby. And I still suffered.  I STILL suffer.  Our baby would have been 21 months old this week.  I like to think he or she is in God's loving arms. Waiting with and caring for my future baby(s). 

One day I hope to be able to read this and be happy, because the waiting is over.  But then the worry begins. The worry of losing another baby. 

We are an eternal family. And that baby is our baby forever. Even though he or she isn't here for us to hold, hug and kiss, that will be our baby after this life.  And that gives me hope, and joy, and peace. 

Utah!!

My niece was born in January and I had planned on going to Utah for the blessing in April.  But when we found out we had to pay taxes I thought for sure the trip was off.  Well for our Anniversary Paul surprised me and said that we would be able to go!  I was so excited!  His parents happened to be in Flagstaff for the week for work so we stayed the first night in Flagstaff.  We left Thatcher around 7 and got to Flag around noon. We were able to drive up to Walnut Canyon and see some Indian cliff dwellings. 

It was only a mile hike but it was down and back up a whole lot of stairs.  Hayden was very chipper the entire time and was a champ!  Paul and I were sore for days after!




Meteor Crater was pretty close by as well so we decided to head on over to that.  Just a warning.... it cost $16 a person now.  We didn't at all think it was worth the cost but I've never been so we thought it would be okay.  

Genuine, real, petrified.... dinosaur poop. FOR SALE. Yep... you read that right.  Nasty.

The route 89 had fallen off the mountain, so we took route 89 alternate and it had some beautiful views!

Vermillion Cliffs

When we got up into the mountains we discovered the North Rim to the Grand Canyon is closed until May 1st so we just kept on going, but we did see some deer right next to the road.

We stopped for a bit a few times to play in the snow

AHHHHH..... we made it!!  I completely surprised my sister.  I called her from the hotel and just to chat and feel out if she was home or not and then we headed over there and just rang the bell!  The look on her face was priceless when I walked through the door!  So worth keeping it a secret that we were coming!

Hayden and Rebecca played together really well!

And Nora is such a doll!!!  I couldn't get enough of her!

Monday we woke up to some snow.  The view out of our hotel room was really pretty!

We took a little drive up Provo Canyon

The drive home was beautiful!!  It snowed for the first 3 hours and got down to 22 degrees at one point.

 Then after all this beautiful-ness, we got onto the reservation and it was sooooooooo dusty!  The wind blew and blew and the dust was so bad that we couldn't see the car in front of us a few times!  I pulled over at one point so Paul could drive and we both were still finding sand on us when we got home! It was bad!  Makes for a good story though.  We stopped in Taylor to eat at Trapper's and then we went and visited Paul's Grandma's grave. We were very happy to be home.  It was such a fun visit!

Land of the free, home of the Clites

This land is my land, this land is Paul's land
From the white pole to the BLM land
From the neighbors, to the Wash's waters
This land was made for Paul and ME!


That's right.... We bought us some LAND BABY!  Some precious dirt and its all ours!  All those pokey cati and stickery bushes.  Yep, that is our land. Every last inch of it.

We bought some land off of Cottonwood wash.  10 acres to be exact.  We are so excited!!  When will we be moving you ask?  WELLLLLLLLLL that's hard to say.  We need to ask a few questions and figure out costs of things to see if utility costs and such could be added to a home loan.  If not, then it'll be a while until we could get money saved up for that.  But we found a floor plan that we like and we can't wait to finally be in our own home!

Now what to do with all the rest of the acreage?  Sheep?  Cattle?  Horses?  OH the possibilities are endless.  But I'm pretty sure a 4 wheeler will have to happen.  Look out PIMA cause in an undetermined amount of time, WE'LL BE COMING! HA!